In פרשת כי תשא, the Torah tells us the whole story of the חטא העגל, how the Yidden made the egel and they worshipped the egel. And when Moshe Rabbeinu came down and he saw what happened, he broke the luchot, and he asked Hashem later to forgive the Yidden for the חטא העגל. And he said to Hashem that if you will forgive, is good, ואם אין, but if not, מחני נא מספרך אשר כתבת, erase me from the sefer that you wrote, as the pasuk says in קאפיטל ל\"ב, פסוק ל\"ב. Now, there is a peshat in the mefarshim, the Ramban, the Abarbanel, and other mefarshim, also connected to the way the Targum Yonatan ben Uziel on the pasuk says, that when Moshe said, \"ואם אין מחני נא מספרך, if you don't forgive, erase me from your sefer that you wrote,\" that refers to the ספר החיים, to the sefer of life. That Moshe Rabbeinu wanted to be together with the Yidden in their punishment, which means that he said, \"If you are going to punish the Yidden and you're going to wipe them out, you're going to kill them all, then erase my name from the ספר החיים, from the sefer of life, and I should also suffer together with them.\" But in the Midrash, in Shemot Rabbah פרשה מ\"ז, ט', and also that's how Rashi learns, the peshat in Moshe Rabbeinu's words, ואם אין מחני נא מספרך אשר כתבת, \"erase me from the sefer that you wrote,\" it means מכל התורה כולה, erase my name from the Torah. But likhora, we have to understand this. We know that the inyan of Moshe Rabbeinu was the Torah. He was one thing with the Torah, as the Chazal say in the Mekhilta on פרשת בשלח, קאפיטל ט\"ו, פסוק א', and also in Shemos Rabbah פרשה ל\"ד, and there is brought down from other places, that the reason the Torah is נקראת על שמו, the reason the Torah is called on Moshe Rabbeinu's name, as the pasuk says, זכרו תורת משה עבדי, \"remember the Torah of Moshe, my servant,\" likorah, the Torah is not Moshe's Torah. The Torah is Hashem's Torah. Nevertheless, the Torah is called on Moshe's name, so it says there, because נתן נפשו על התורה. He gave his life for the Torah, which means the Torah became one with him, this became his life. So when Moshe Rabbeinu said, \"מחני נא מספרך, erase me from your sefer,\" meaning מכל התורה כולה, from the Torah, that means that Moshe Rabbeinu said, \"Take away my עצם מציאות. Take away my essence, my life, because my whole being is the Torah, take it away.\" Now, likorah, why did Moshe Rabbeinu do this? Why was Moshe Rabbeinu ready to give up his essence, not only his physical life, but his spiritual essence, which is the Torah, for these Yidden? Who were the Yidden that he was giving up his essence for? For those Yidden that sinned with the חטא העגל. The חטא העגל, we know, is a very, very terrible aveirah. So much so that all the later aveirot and the punishments for all the later aveirot are all connected to the חטא העגל, as the pasuk says in פרשת כי תשא, קאפיטל ל\"ב, פסוק ל\"ד, that Hashem said, וביום פקדי ופקדתי עליהם חטאתם, that \"the day I will remember, I will remember this this aveirah on them.\" And the Chazal say that there is no punishment that comes for any aveirah that Hashem doesn't add a little bit of the punishment for the חטא העגל. So the חטא העגל is connected to all the aveirot. And more than that, the Gemara says in שבת דף קמ\"ו עמוד א' that בשעת אדם הראשון sinned with the עץ הדעת, ירדה זוהמא לעולם, a tumah came down to the world. But the Yidden who stood by מתן תורה, פסקה זוהמתן, the zuhama, the tumah went away. But after the חטא העגל, the zuhama came back. The tumah came back. So that shows that the חטא העגל is similar to the חטא עץ הדעת. Just like by the חטא עץ הדעת, a tumah came into the world, through the חטא העגל a tumah also came into the world. And even though it didn't come back in the exact same way as it was before, as the Zohar says in חלק א' דף נ\"ב עמוד ב' and דף קכ\"ו עמוד ב', and in Zohar חלק ב' דף קצ\"ג עמוד ב', that it didn't come back completely, nevertheless, it did come back. So there is a very strong similarity between the חטא העגל and the חטא עץ הדעת. Now we know that the חטא עץ הדעת is definitely the source of all aveirot. If not for the חטא עץ הדעת that Adam HaRishon did and Chavah did, there would be no possibility for doing aveirot later on. This is the source of all the aveirot. And this is the meaning in the Gemara that when he did the aveirah, a tumah came to the world, that's when the ability of doing an aveirah came to the world. At that time there was only one thing, one aveirah, one nisayon that he had. Had he stood that nisayon, that would be it, there would be no more a possibility of aveirot. Since he did not withstand the nisayon, so since then there is a possibility of aveirot. So just like we say that concerning the חטא עץ הדעת, the same applies to the חטא העגל. Because if not for the חטא העגל, then the tumah that came by the חטא עץ הדעת would have been away completely. Through the חטא העגל, it came down again. So it comes out that the חטא העגל is similar to the חטא עץ הדעת, which means that this is from the worst aveirot that ever happened. So here we are talking about people who worshipped the egel. These are people who were so low that they were the חוטאי העגל. And for these people, Moshe Rabbeinu said that if Hashem will not forgive them, he wants Hashem should erase his name from the Torah, which means he is giving up his true ruchniyusdike spiritual essence. As we said before, that the essence of Moshe is the Torah, and that's why the Torah is called תורת משה עבדי. So lechora, why did Moshe Rabbeinu want to do this? And also we have to understand, what is bechlal the connection between the two things, that if Hashem will not forgive for those people who did the egel, erase my name from the Torah? Lechora, what is the connection? Why is it that because Hashem will not forgive them, that's why he wants his name erased from the Torah?

So the truth is, Rashi explains that the reason is because Moshe Rabbeinu wanted to make sure שלא יאמרו עלי, they shouldn't say on me, שלא הייתי כדאי לבקש עליהם רחמים, that I wasn't worthy enough to daven for them, to daven for these Yidden. So it comes out according to this pshat, that Moshe Rabbeinu was worried at that time for his own kavod, so to speak. That if Hashem will not forgive the Yidden for the חטא העגל and wipe them out, so what will other people say later on? They will say that Moshe Rabbeinu wasn't so great, and he wasn't able to be mitpallel for the people who worshipped the egel. It's very hard to understand this pshat, because from the פסוק is mashma that Moshe Rabbeinu said this not because he wanted to make sure that his kavod should remain, but this was a way he was trying to protect the Yidden. And according to this, it comes out that really he was saying this only for his own protection. And the main question is, how can we say that when we're talking about a time of Hashem forgiving the people for the חטא העגל, that Moshe Rabbeinu should at that time think about his own kavod? That's what he should care about, what will people later on say about him? Now in Midrash, in Shemos Rabbah, פרשה מ״ז, that we mentioned before, there the lashon is that Moshe Rabbeinu said that since the whole Torah you gave me is only for the sake of the Bnei Yisrael, because it says there דבר אל בני ישראל, etc., etc. Now אם הם כלין, if you are going to destroy them, מה אני עושה בתורתך? What am I going to do with your Torah? So this is what Moshe Rabbeinu meant, that if you will not forgive for the חטא העגל and you will destroy the Yidden, then there is no use for the Torah. But according to this pshat, then this is not Moshe Rabbeinu's bakashah that he's asking Hashem, but he is just stressing a fact. He is saying that you should know, if you destroy the Yidden, then there will be no more Torah. But lichorah, we also have to have a pshat how this fits to the bakashah of Moshe, as it seems from the pashute pshat in the פסוק, that Moshe was asking Hashem, so to speak kivayachol like threatening Him, that if You will not forgive them, I want You to erase my name, not he's just stating a fact that you should remember that if You will destroy the Yidden, then there will be no more use to the Torah. Now the truth is that the Maharzu explains it like this on the Midrash. He says that what Moshe meant was, that if you will destroy the Yidden, mimela the names of the Yidden will be erased from the Torah automatically. So he asked Hashem, please erase my name also, because the whole reason you spoke to me was for their sake. If they will be erased from the Torah, so then there is no use in my name being there. So according to this, it is a bakashah that Moshe Rabbeinu asked. But nevertheless, lechora, the main thing is missing, because the whole thing is a result of the fact that Hashem will destroy the Yidden. Since He will destroy the Yidden, their name will be erased from the Torah, and therefore he's asking what's the use of having his name in the Torah, Moshe Rabbeinu's name in the Torah. So the main thing he should have asked is, why destroy the Yidden, which will cause their name to be erased? Why did he pick on the last point, which is that if the Yidden will be destroyed, and therefore their name will be erased, so my name should be erased also? He picked on a small point when really he should have picked on the main thing. So there must be, in addition to all that, something more here in Moshe Rabbeinu's ta'anah, that im ein, if you're not going to forgive the Yidden, then מחני נא מספרך אשר כתבת, erase my name from the Torah.

To answer this and to explain it, the pshat is as follows. As we said before fore, the עצם, the essence of Moshe, was one with the Torah, and that's why the Torah is called on Moshe's name. But also, Moshe Rabbeinu was one with the Bnei Yisrael. His essence also was Klal Yisrael. As Rashi says it clearly in פרשת חקת, קפיטל כ״א פסוק כ״א, that משה הוא ישראל וישראל הם משה, that משה is Klal Yisrael, and Klal Yisrael is Moshe. He is one with them. Which is the reason why when the Yidden did the aveirah of the חטא העגל, this caused a yeridah, a lowering in the spiritual level of Moshe Rabbeinu. As it says in Chumash, that Hashem spoke to Moshe Rabbeinu while he was in Har Sinai, when the Yidden made the עגל. So it says there, in פסוק ז׳, that Hashem said to him, לך רד, go down. And the Gemara says in Berachos דף ל״ב עמוד א, and Rashi brings it on the pasuk, that he said to him, רד מגדולתך, go down from your greatness, because the whole reason I gave you greatness was because of the Bnei Yisrael. And now that the Bnei Yisrael went down a level, you also go down a level. Now lechorah, why should Moshe Rabbeinu have to go down a level because of the Bnei Yisrael? He had no connection whatsoever to the חטא העגל. He wasn't even in the category of מי שיש בידו למחות, that he should have been able to protest against it, and he didn't. Because Moshe Rabbeinu was at that time in Har Sinai. So he was away from there. He was there b'gashemiut? Certainly in his spiritual level he was completely away from the level of חטא העגל, but physically he wasn't there, he wasn't by the חטא העגל. So why should the חטא העגל affect Moshe Rabbeinu? But the answer is, because Moshe Rabbeinu is united, is one with Klal Yisrael. His greatness was given to him because of the greatness of Klal Yisrael. So therefore, the חטא העגל, which affected the Bnei Yisrael, brought a yeridah in the Bnei Yisrael, automatically also affected Moshe Rabbeinu, and brought about a yeridah in Moshe Rabbeinu also. So we see here that Moshe essentially is one with Torah, and Moshe essentially is one with Klal Yisrael. Now, just like we find concerning Hashem that he is one with the Torah, and he is also one with the Bnei Yisrael, as it says in the Zohar that ישראל and דאורייתא וקודשא בריך הוא כולא חד, that the Yidden and the Torah and Hashem are one. And it says that תלת קשרין מתקשרין דא בדא. There are three things which are tied together, and that is קודשא בריך הוא and אורייתא and the Torah, Hashem, and the Yidden and the Torah. So Hashem is one with the Torah, and Hashem is one with the Yidden. Concerning the Torah we find that it says that the word אנכי, which is the first word of the עשרת הדברות, so the Gemara says in שבת דף ק״ה עמוד א is an abbreviation of the four words אנא נפשי כתבית יהבית, which means according to one peshat, that I put myself and wrote myself into the Torah. So Hashem is one with the Torah. We know also Hashem is one with the Bnei Yisrael. But the question is, out of both, which one is deeper, so to speak, more united with Hashem, k'vayachol? So it says in Tanna D'vei Eliyahu Rabbah פרק י״ד, that שני דברים יש בעולם, there are two things in the world, תורה וישראל, תורה and the Bnei Yisrael. אבל איני יודע איזה מהם קודם, I don't know which one is first. Now when we say first, it doesn't mean first in time, but it means first in madregah, which one is higher, closer to Hashem. אמרתי לו, so I said to him, בני, דרכן של בני אדם אומרים התורה קדמה, people say that the Torah comes first. אבל אני אומר, but I say, Eliyahu HaNavi says, ישראל קדמו, that Yisrael are even higher, that Yisrael come before the Torah. And as we find in another Midrash, in Bereishit Rabbah פרשה א׳ ד׳, it says that מחשבתן של ישראל קדמה לכל דבר, that the מחשבה of the Bnei Yisrael comes before everything. And it says that אילולא, if not for the ישראל עתידין לקבל את התורה, but for the Yidden that are going to receive the תורה, לא היה כותב בתורה צו את בני ישראל, דבר אל בני ישראל. He wouldn't have written in the תורה צו את בני ישראל, דבר אל בני ישראל, which means that since in the Torah it speaks about the Bnei Yisrael, so the Bnei Yisrael is higher than Torah. So it comes out that the connection between the Bnei Yisrael and Hashem is more essential even than the connection of the Torah and Hashem. And that's why we find the din that פיקוח נפש דוחה כל התורה כולה, that when it comes to the life of a Yid, it pushes away the whole Torah except the three worst aveirot. If the Torah would be higher than a Yid, then the din would be that the life of a Yid would not be more important than a din of the Torah. Since the life of a Yid is more important than a din of the Torah, except those three, that shows that a Yid is closer connected to Hashem even than the Torah, kivayachol, as much as we're able to speak about closer and further when we're talking about such inyanim. But nevertheless, this is what the Midrash says, that בני ישראל קדמו. Now since צדיקים דומים לבוראם, צדיקים are similar to their Creator, to Hashem, as it says in Bereishit Rabbah, פרשה ע\"ד, and also in Tana Dvei Eliyahu Rabbah, פרשה י\"ד. So mimela, just like by Hashem, we said that Hashem is one with the Torah and He's one with the Bnei Yisrael, nevertheless, the Bnei Yisrael are deeper and closer to Hashem than the Torah, so too is it concerning tzadikim, concerning Moshe Rabbeinu. Moshe Rabbeinu is one with Torah and he is one with Klal Yisrael, but he is more one with Klal Yisrael than he is with the Torah.

And this is the meaning in Moshe Rabbeinu's bakashah that, \"If you're not going to forgive the Bnei Yisrael, then מחני נא מספרך, erase me from the Torah.\" What he meant was as follows. It says in Midrash, in Pesikta d'Rav Kahana, פרשה שובה, and in Yalkut in Yechezkel, קפיטל י\"ח, פסוק ד', and in Yalkut Shimoni on Tehillim, מזמור כ\"ה, and it's also מרומז in the Yerushalmi Makkot, פרק ב', הלכה ו', that שאלו לתורה, they asked Torah, \"חוטא מה ענשו? What should happen to a חוטא?\" So the Torah answered, etc., etc. So finally, שאלו להקדוש ברוך הוא, they asked Hashem, and Hashem said, \"יעשה תשובה ויתכפר לו. Let him do teshuvah and he'll get a kapparah.\" So it comes out that it's only Hashem Himself who said let a person do teshuvah and be forgiven for his aveirah. But as far as the Torah is concerned, so then the teshuvah would not help. And this is what Moshe Rabbeinu said to Hashem. If you will not forgive the Bnei Yisrael, definitely it will be because you will be listening to the Torah, and the Torah says that if somebody goes against Me, then the person should be punished. And therefore, you would not forgive the Bnei Yisrael. But if you would express the more essential thing that you have, which is the essential connection to Yidden, which is beyond, higher than the connection to Torah, then you would forgive them. And this is what Moshe wanted to awaken within Hashem. And he said, the same לגבי himself, אם אין, if you're not going to forgive them, that means that you are listening to the Torah. But I am telling you, if you don't forgive them, מחני נא מספרך, erase me from the Torah, which means I want to go to a level beyond the Torah where my essential connection is to the Bnei Yisrael, even higher than my connection to the Torah. And he's saying to the Hashem that he's asking Hashem to do the same, that, \"Go beyond your connection to Torah and express your essential connection, which is to the Bnei Yisrael, which is קדמה לתורה, and then you would forgive the Bnei Yisrael, because Hashem Himself says, 'יעשה תשובה ויתכפר לו, let him do teshuvah and get a kaparah.'\" And this is the connection between the two things which Moshe Rabbeinu said, that, \"If you will not forgive them, then I want you to erase me from the Torah.\" It's not a threat that he was telling Him, but he was saying that there is a level within me which is beyond the Torah, which is closer to the Bnei Yisrael. And that same is with Hashem. And that's what he said, \"If that's going to happen, then definitely you will accept the teshuvah of the Bnei Yisrael, as You Yourself said that יעשה תשובה ויתכפר לו.\"